Scenes From Summer Camp

Even though my preferred kind of camp involves cocktails, old black and white movies about big shouldered broads, and quotes like “Ya are, Blanche! Ya are in that chair!” there have been times in my professional life where, against my better judgement, I have ventured into the more traditional version of camp. Please enjoy, Scenes From Summer Camp!

Scene 1:

Editor’s Note: This was a nature camp in North Carolina. Feel free to imagine the appropriate dialect.

*At rise, Counselor is leading kids on a nature walk. Someone has left a used maxipad in the middle of the trail. Counselor attempts to guide kids around it and hopes the kids will ignore it. This is working until…*


Real Life Huck Finn: Oh, look! A diaper! Somebody’s baby lost their diaper!


Counselor: Don’t worry about it. Let’s go.


Real Life Huck Finn: Oh no! There’s blood in the diaper. That baby’s poopin’ blood! Awww. Poor blood poopin’ baby!


Counselor:…


Counselor’s Inner Monologue: Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh, I can’t wait to tell the other counselors about this, don’t laugh, don’t laugh…

End Scene

Scene 2:

Editor’s Note: This was an English camp in Germany, that is located on a farm. As part of the camp, the kids are assigned chores, in addition to helping to cook and clean up after meals. This particular week, we had the absolute laziest group of kids on the planet. One girl in my group had a stomachache and had to go lie down, every time the word “work” was used. Another child had the irritating habit of sitting down after he had completed every single task. This scene takes place on the last morning of camp, after I made sure to get them the easiest chore assignment possible.

*Interior, storage shed. Counselor and kids are returning costumes that were used in the camp skits. Kids are talking amongst themselves in German, unaware that Counselor can understand everything they are saying.*


Kid 1: I hate this.


Kid 2: Me too. I can’t wait to go home.


Counselor: *Smiling, hands costumes to all of the Kids* Here. Fold these for me, please.


Kid 3: Ugh. Work makes my stomach hurt.


Kid 4: *Folds one item, and then sits down*


Counselor: *Still smiling, hands him another item* Hang this over there, please.


*Kids continue to complain and fold things AS. SLOWLY. AS. POSSIBLE.*


*20 minutes later, they are inside the house, organizing the bookshelf. Kids are no longer complaining, but they are still moving AS. SLOWLY. AS. POSSIBLE. As Kid 1 puts pencils one at a time into a cup, Kids 2, 3, and 4 go out and sit on the porch*


Counselor: *Still smiling* Hey guys, we still have work to do. Come on!


*Kids 2, 3, & 4 turn to look at Counselor, and then they all turn away*


Counselor’s Inner Monologue: What the?!?! Oh no the hell you didn’t?!? Oh, see, I see what the problem is. You don’t know who I AM!!!! No, no, children. It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. See, I made you believe I’m this happy, smiley camp counselor guy, when that’s not the case. In fact, let me introduce myself. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE!!!!!!

Counselor: *Walks over to Kids 2, 3, & 4 and in his best demon-voice-whisper* Get. In. There. NOW!!!!!


*Kids 2, 3, & 4 scatter like roaches in the light*

End Scene

Editor's Note: No children were harmed during the making of this scene. But seriously, come get your children.