Scenes From a German Classroom

Scene 1:

Teacher: Make a circle.
Student 1: I’m next to Teacher. *wraps himself around Teacher’s leg*
Student 2: I’m next to Teacher
Student 3: I’m next to Teacher
*They both scramble for the spot. In the ensuing scuffle, someone inadvertently whacks Teacher squarely in the crotch*
Teacher: *Trying desperately to keep control* Everyone...just...sit...down.

 End Scene

Scene 2:

Child: *counting in German*
Teacher: English, please.
Child: *in German* Why?
Teacher: *also in German* Because it’s English class.
Child: *still in German* But I don’t want to lose my language.
Teacher: *in English* And I don’t wanna lose my patience, but here we are.
Child: *in German* What?
Teacher: *in German* Nothing.

Sometimes having students who can’t understand you is a blessing

End Scene

Scene 3:

*Teacher introduces system where students earn rewards for good behavior, including punctuality*

Teacher: ...so, if you earn 5 stars during the class, you'll get a reward.

The 3 Students Who Were On Time: Ooh. Cool.

*At the end of the class, Teacher is handing out rewards. 2 Tardy Students approach him*

TS1: Do I get a reward?

Teacher: Sorry. You only have 4 stars.

TS2: That's only one less.

Teacher: Too bad you were late. You could have had 5 stars.

TS1: It's Mira's fault. She said we should walk slow.

Teacher: That sounds like a bad idea. Too bad. Maybe you'll have better luck next week. *Walks away*

Moral of the Story: Sometimes showing is better than telling, and some folks have to learn the hard way.

End Scene

Scene 4:

Editor's Note: Same class one week later. Tardy Girl 2 is the aforementioned Mira.

Teacher: I have a special surprise for each of you, but you have to earn 5 stars to get it. I'll give you one star for being on time and one for having your book and being prepared.

Most of the Class: *On time and prepared*

Teacher: great. Now you just need 3 more.

*10 minutes later*

Tardy Girl 1: *enters* Oh. I forgot my book. *exits*

*5 minutes later*

*Tardy Girl 1 & Tardy Girl 2 enter*

*At the end of class, Teacher is handing out rewards*

TG1: Do I get one?

Teacher: No. You only had 4 stars. Sorry.

TG2: That's unfair.

Teacher: Well, it's not my fault.

TG2: Yes it is.

Teacher: I didn't tell you to be 15 minutes late. And if it ever happens again, I'm calling your parents. *walks away*

End Scene

Scene 5:

Teacher: What's my name?

3yo: English Man
Teacher: My name is Aaron.
3yo: English Man
Teacher: Aaron
3yo: English Man
Teacher's Inner Monologue: Imma let you have this one, booboo. It's Friday, I still have 4 more classes to teach, and this is not a hill I wish to die on.

In other news, I now know what my superhero name would be.

End Scene

Scene 6:

Editor's Note: The following scene concerns the same child, 6 months later. He now thinks my name is English Teacher (Progress?) and is attempting to call me by my first name.

*Teacher is leading the class in a song.*

3 Year Old: I have to go to the bathroom

Teacher: Ok. Go.

*3yo exits to the bathroom*

*5 minutes later*

3YO: *From inside bathroom* English. English! ENGLISH!!!! 

Teacher: Yes?

3YO: I went caca.

Teacher: Okay...

3YO: Can you clean it?

Teacher: Um...no...You have to.

3YO: I can’t. I’m too small.

Teacher: *Opens door, gets a handful of toilet paper, & hands it to 3YO* Do the best you can. *Closes door*

End Scene

Scene 7:

Teacher: *sitting on the floor with a group of students*
Small Child: *sits on my lap*
Teacher: You can't sit there
Small Child: *farts, then gets up*

Teacher: *repeatedly reminds himself that he doesn't want to go to prison in Germany*

End Scene

Scene 8:

*Children are coloring. Teacher puts on a Taylor Swift song.*
Little Girl: I know this song.
Teacher: Oh yeah?
LG: This girl always throws boys away.
T: ...Yes. Yes she does.

End Scene

Scene 9:

7 year old: Is that a picture of you?
Teacher: yes it is.
7yo: It looks a lot younger than you.
Teacher: ...
Teacher's Inner Monologue: This is why I drink.

End Scene

Scene 9:

*Children are sitting on the floor in a circle. Little Boy moves to sit next to Little Girl 1.*

Little Girl 2: Why did you move?

Little Boy: I wanted to sit by LG1. She's my girlfriend. We've already kissed.

LG1: *giggles* Yeah.

LG3: He kissed me too.

LB: *giggles* Yeah

*And as if to demonstrate his prowess, LB jumps on LG1 and proceeds to kiss her*

Teacher: *grabs LB and pulls him off LG1* Easy, Romeo. Not during class.

****30 Minutes Later****

*LB tries to kiss Teacher*

Teacher: *sighs* I seriously don't get paid enough.

End Scene

Scene 10:

*Class is playing a game where Teacher calls a color, and the kids touch something that color.*
Teacher: Brown
Small Child: *Grabs my arm*
Well played, German child. Well played

End Scene

Scene 11:

Small Child: I had a fever this morning, and mama wanted me to stay at home, but I didn't want to miss English class.

Teacher: Aww. That's so sweet! *moves slowly away* You just stay right there. *moves farther away* You're getting all your assignments by airmail today, booboo.

*2 Days Later*

Teacher: *Cough*

End Scene

Scene 12:

Child: There’s a lot of gray in your beard. How old ARE you?

Teacher:

End Scene