Tales From the War: Battle Strategies

My undergraduate degree was a theatre degree with teacher certification. Unfortunately, when I graduated in December, all the theatre teaching positions were taken for the year. So, I started interviewing for any teaching position I could find. I didn't find anything for a couple of months, so by the time I interviewed for a fourth grade classroom position at Montlieu Elementary, I was pretty desperate.

And that desperation was the ONLY reason I took this job. If I had ANY other viable option, this interview would have sent me screaming into the night. During the interview, the principal informed me why they were looking for a new teacher in the middle of February. Apparently, the teacher they had hired in August wasn't actually teaching her class. She gave them all of her copy paper to draw on, took them out for recess three hours a day, and otherwise let them do whatever they wanted. According to the principal, the kids were not only six months behind the rest of the grade, but apparently they had also regressed. She even took me down to see the class, to give me a better idea of what she meant. 

This is the point where a person with options would thank you for your time and quickly get the hell out of Dodge. 

Unfortunately, as I said before, I was desperate, so I took the job. 

The next day, I showed up for my first day of school. When I walked in the room, there was a kid shoving another one in the closet at the back of the room. I said to him, "Hey, leave him alone!" 

The kid turned on me and snapped, "I don't have to do what you tell me to, faggot." 

Now, I had a choice to make. How do I respond to that? All the children were watching. This could make or break me in their eyes. This was Lord of the Flies, and any weakness on my part would be license for them to walk all over me. 

Then, in an instant, it came to me. I looked him dead in the eye, and I said, "No, you don't," I said, "But you do have to get out." 

"What?" he said.

I said, "You heard me," and in my best Martin Lawrence voice I said, "Get to steppin'!"

"But...but...where am I supposed to go?"

"Go to the principal's office. Go home. I don't know, and I don't care, but what I do know is that you are NOT going to stay in this room and disrespect me."

And while he was standing there being surprised, I grabbed his arm, guided him into the hall, and slammed the door behind me. Then I turned to the rest of the class, who were all looking at me with wide eyes and open mouths.

"Anybody else got something to say to me?...I didn't think so. Now everybody sit down and open your math books to page 64."

This was the first of many battles that I fought in this particular classroom, some with the children, some with the administration. But the most important thing is that this is the day that I learned my classroom management style: Shock and awe, with a touch of comedy. Over time, "Get to steppin'" became a catch phrase in class. Another one was "Mr. Scott don't play". And that's just the way it should be.

Tales of Children's Theatre

Scene 1

Aaron and Jina have just finished a show, and they're packing up the set. Teacher approaches.

Teacher: That was a great show.

Aaron: Thanks.

Teacher: I really enjoyed it.

Jina: Aww. That's so sweet.

Teacher: I just have a few notes.

Aaron: *through fake smile* Oh really?

Teacher: I took the liberty of writing them down. *offers paper*

Aaron: *fake smile gets bigger* You shouldn't have. You REALLY shouldn't have.

End Scene

Scene 2

Editor's Note: Melanie was the sweetest human ever created. She NEVER cursed. Her idea of using profanity was "son of a biscuit".

Aaron and Melanie are in the middle of doing a show in Jacksonville, Florida. The audience is less than receptive. So far, they have been heckling, loudly talking, and throwing pennies on the stage. Aaron is backstage changing costumes. A very frazzled Melanie comes backstage.

Melanie: These motherfuckers are getting on my nerves.

Aaron:

End Scene

Scenes From a German Classroom

Scene 1:

Teacher: Make a circle.
Student 1: I’m next to Teacher. *wraps himself around Teacher’s leg*
Student 2: I’m next to Teacher
Student 3: I’m next to Teacher
*They both scramble for the spot. In the ensuing scuffle, someone inadvertently whacks Teacher squarely in the crotch*
Teacher: *Trying desperately to keep control* Everyone...just...sit...down.

 End Scene

Scene 2:

Child: *counting in German*
Teacher: English, please.
Child: *in German* Why?
Teacher: *also in German* Because it’s English class.
Child: *still in German* But I don’t want to lose my language.
Teacher: *in English* And I don’t wanna lose my patience, but here we are.
Child: *in German* What?
Teacher: *in German* Nothing.

Sometimes having students who can’t understand you is a blessing

End Scene

Scene 3:

*Teacher introduces system where students earn rewards for good behavior, including punctuality*

Teacher: ...so, if you earn 5 stars during the class, you'll get a reward.

The 3 Students Who Were On Time: Ooh. Cool.

*At the end of the class, Teacher is handing out rewards. 2 Tardy Students approach him*

TS1: Do I get a reward?

Teacher: Sorry. You only have 4 stars.

TS2: That's only one less.

Teacher: Too bad you were late. You could have had 5 stars.

TS1: It's Mira's fault. She said we should walk slow.

Teacher: That sounds like a bad idea. Too bad. Maybe you'll have better luck next week. *Walks away*

Moral of the Story: Sometimes showing is better than telling, and some folks have to learn the hard way.

End Scene

Scene 4:

Editor's Note: Same class one week later. Tardy Girl 2 is the aforementioned Mira.

Teacher: I have a special surprise for each of you, but you have to earn 5 stars to get it. I'll give you one star for being on time and one for having your book and being prepared.

Most of the Class: *On time and prepared*

Teacher: great. Now you just need 3 more.

*10 minutes later*

Tardy Girl 1: *enters* Oh. I forgot my book. *exits*

*5 minutes later*

*Tardy Girl 1 & Tardy Girl 2 enter*

*At the end of class, Teacher is handing out rewards*

TG1: Do I get one?

Teacher: No. You only had 4 stars. Sorry.

TG2: That's unfair.

Teacher: Well, it's not my fault.

TG2: Yes it is.

Teacher: I didn't tell you to be 15 minutes late. And if it ever happens again, I'm calling your parents. *walks away*

End Scene

Scene 5:

Teacher: What's my name?

3yo: English Man
Teacher: My name is Aaron.
3yo: English Man
Teacher: Aaron
3yo: English Man
Teacher's Inner Monologue: Imma let you have this one, booboo. It's Friday, I still have 4 more classes to teach, and this is not a hill I wish to die on.

In other news, I now know what my superhero name would be.

End Scene

Scene 6:

Editor's Note: The following scene concerns the same child, 6 months later. He now thinks my name is English Teacher (Progress?) and is attempting to call me by my first name.

*Teacher is leading the class in a song.*

3 Year Old: I have to go to the bathroom

Teacher: Ok. Go.

*3yo exits to the bathroom*

*5 minutes later*

3YO: *From inside bathroom* English. English! ENGLISH!!!! 

Teacher: Yes?

3YO: I went caca.

Teacher: Okay...

3YO: Can you clean it?

Teacher: Um...no...You have to.

3YO: I can’t. I’m too small.

Teacher: *Opens door, gets a handful of toilet paper, & hands it to 3YO* Do the best you can. *Closes door*

End Scene

Scene 7:

Teacher: *sitting on the floor with a group of students*
Small Child: *sits on my lap*
Teacher: You can't sit there
Small Child: *farts, then gets up*

Teacher: *repeatedly reminds himself that he doesn't want to go to prison in Germany*

End Scene

Scene 8:

*Children are coloring. Teacher puts on a Taylor Swift song.*
Little Girl: I know this song.
Teacher: Oh yeah?
LG: This girl always throws boys away.
T: ...Yes. Yes she does.

End Scene

Scene 9:

7 year old: Is that a picture of you?
Teacher: yes it is.
7yo: It looks a lot younger than you.
Teacher: ...
Teacher's Inner Monologue: This is why I drink.

End Scene

Scene 9:

*Children are sitting on the floor in a circle. Little Boy moves to sit next to Little Girl 1.*

Little Girl 2: Why did you move?

Little Boy: I wanted to sit by LG1. She's my girlfriend. We've already kissed.

LG1: *giggles* Yeah.

LG3: He kissed me too.

LB: *giggles* Yeah

*And as if to demonstrate his prowess, LB jumps on LG1 and proceeds to kiss her*

Teacher: *grabs LB and pulls him off LG1* Easy, Romeo. Not during class.

****30 Minutes Later****

*LB tries to kiss Teacher*

Teacher: *sighs* I seriously don't get paid enough.

End Scene

Scene 10:

*Class is playing a game where Teacher calls a color, and the kids touch something that color.*
Teacher: Brown
Small Child: *Grabs my arm*
Well played, German child. Well played

End Scene

Scene 11:

Small Child: I had a fever this morning, and mama wanted me to stay at home, but I didn't want to miss English class.

Teacher: Aww. That's so sweet! *moves slowly away* You just stay right there. *moves farther away* You're getting all your assignments by airmail today, booboo.

*2 Days Later*

Teacher: *Cough*

End Scene

Scene 12:

Child: There’s a lot of gray in your beard. How old ARE you?

Teacher:

End Scene

Scenes From Summer Camp

Even though my preferred kind of camp involves cocktails, old black and white movies about big shouldered broads, and quotes like “Ya are, Blanche! Ya are in that chair!” there have been times in my professional life where, against my better judgement, I have ventured into the more traditional version of camp. Please enjoy, Scenes From Summer Camp!

Scene 1:

Editor’s Note: This was a nature camp in North Carolina. Feel free to imagine the appropriate dialect.

*At rise, Counselor is leading kids on a nature walk. Someone has left a used maxipad in the middle of the trail. Counselor attempts to guide kids around it and hopes the kids will ignore it. This is working until…*


Real Life Huck Finn: Oh, look! A diaper! Somebody’s baby lost their diaper!


Counselor: Don’t worry about it. Let’s go.


Real Life Huck Finn: Oh no! There’s blood in the diaper. That baby’s poopin’ blood! Awww. Poor blood poopin’ baby!


Counselor:…


Counselor’s Inner Monologue: Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh, I can’t wait to tell the other counselors about this, don’t laugh, don’t laugh…

End Scene

Scene 2:

Editor’s Note: This was an English camp in Germany, that is located on a farm. As part of the camp, the kids are assigned chores, in addition to helping to cook and clean up after meals. This particular week, we had the absolute laziest group of kids on the planet. One girl in my group had a stomachache and had to go lie down, every time the word “work” was used. Another child had the irritating habit of sitting down after he had completed every single task. This scene takes place on the last morning of camp, after I made sure to get them the easiest chore assignment possible.

*Interior, storage shed. Counselor and kids are returning costumes that were used in the camp skits. Kids are talking amongst themselves in German, unaware that Counselor can understand everything they are saying.*


Kid 1: I hate this.


Kid 2: Me too. I can’t wait to go home.


Counselor: *Smiling, hands costumes to all of the Kids* Here. Fold these for me, please.


Kid 3: Ugh. Work makes my stomach hurt.


Kid 4: *Folds one item, and then sits down*


Counselor: *Still smiling, hands him another item* Hang this over there, please.


*Kids continue to complain and fold things AS. SLOWLY. AS. POSSIBLE.*


*20 minutes later, they are inside the house, organizing the bookshelf. Kids are no longer complaining, but they are still moving AS. SLOWLY. AS. POSSIBLE. As Kid 1 puts pencils one at a time into a cup, Kids 2, 3, and 4 go out and sit on the porch*


Counselor: *Still smiling* Hey guys, we still have work to do. Come on!


*Kids 2, 3, & 4 turn to look at Counselor, and then they all turn away*


Counselor’s Inner Monologue: What the?!?! Oh no the hell you didn’t?!? Oh, see, I see what the problem is. You don’t know who I AM!!!! No, no, children. It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. See, I made you believe I’m this happy, smiley camp counselor guy, when that’s not the case. In fact, let me introduce myself. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE!!!!!!

Counselor: *Walks over to Kids 2, 3, & 4 and in his best demon-voice-whisper* Get. In. There. NOW!!!!!


*Kids 2, 3, & 4 scatter like roaches in the light*

End Scene

Editor's Note: No children were harmed during the making of this scene. But seriously, come get your children.